They say the third is a charm. But in this case, it's just the same old story all over again.
Let me tell you this,
I can't be what you want me to be,
And you can't be what I want you to be.
There's thing that is just not meant to be.
And I'm tired with all crappy feeling.
So, here's the deal, I had gone for 6 months but I came back still.
Now, let this time be for good.
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Postingan Longweekend 2 : Pilihan
Menyambung postingan kemarin tentang fear of loss, attachment, dan teman-temannya yang oleh Yoda disebut sebagai awal dari hal-hal buruk, postingan malam ini saya tidak akan bicara banyak. Semua terangkum dalam artikel Dyske Suematsu tentang The Art of Giving Up di sini.
Dalam The Art of Giving Up, Dyske tidak membahas soal menyerah dan berhenti. Dyske bicara tentang detachment, usaha untuk melepaskan kemelekatan untuk lebih menikmati hidup. Menurutnya, kenikmatan akan apapun membutuhkan suatu jarak tertentu. Detachment ini yang biasanya kita sebut dengan mengikhlaskan.
Tapi apakah ikhlas ini selalu baik? Tidak juga. Menurut Dyske, ikhlas memang akan membuat kita lebih menikmati hidup, tapi untuk mencapai hal-hal yang kita ingin capai, kita memerlukan kemelekatan ini. Melekat pada apa yang kita kejar. Rasa takut kehilangan atas apa yang kita kejar akan menjadi bensin untuk membakar semangat kita dalam meraihnya. Dyske merangkum pada paragraf terakhir:
Jadi intinya, kembali ke masalah pilihan. Ada situasi dimana ikhlas merupakan pilihan terbaik, dan apa pula yang mengharuskan kita untuk melekat pada sesuatu. Tidak semua hal harus kita ikhlaskan, dan tidak semua hal juga harus kita perjuangkan.
Seperti kata Yoda, intinya adalah membuat pilihan. Pilihan yang tepat tidak berasal dari analisis atau kata hati saja, tapi juga dikombinasikan dengan pengalaman. Ya, pengalaman trial and error- tidak terbatas pada trial and error yang kita lakukan saja tapi juga orang lain- ini yang mengajarkan kita untuk mengambil pilihan yang terbaik. Di sinilah, motivasi dan prinsip yang kita miliki berperan penting dalam mengambil pilihan. Benturkan selalu pilihan yang ada dengan motivasi dan prinsip. Motivasi adalah tujuan yang ingin kita capai, sedangkan prinsip adalah rambu-rambu yang membimbing kita dalam berjalan menuju tujuan kita itu. Jika tidak memungkinkan, cara berjalan masih dapat berubah sesuai dengan perkembangan yang ada, namun jangan kompromi dengan tujuan yang sudah kita tetapkan sebelumnya, karena pilihan akan selalu muncul, jalan lain masih akan terbuka.
Tadi malam, di tengah kegalauan saya untuk memilih meneruskan kemelekatan atau mengikhlaskan, saya sempat menulis ini di twitter untuk teman saya yang sedang menghadapi kegalauan yang sama:
Dalam The Art of Giving Up, Dyske tidak membahas soal menyerah dan berhenti. Dyske bicara tentang detachment, usaha untuk melepaskan kemelekatan untuk lebih menikmati hidup. Menurutnya, kenikmatan akan apapun membutuhkan suatu jarak tertentu. Detachment ini yang biasanya kita sebut dengan mengikhlaskan.
Tapi apakah ikhlas ini selalu baik? Tidak juga. Menurut Dyske, ikhlas memang akan membuat kita lebih menikmati hidup, tapi untuk mencapai hal-hal yang kita ingin capai, kita memerlukan kemelekatan ini. Melekat pada apa yang kita kejar. Rasa takut kehilangan atas apa yang kita kejar akan menjadi bensin untuk membakar semangat kita dalam meraihnya. Dyske merangkum pada paragraf terakhir:
If my observations are correct, detachment allows us to enjoy life in its uncontaminated form, but attachment allows us to achieve better chances of survival as a species. It appears that the forces of evolution are acting against our desire to enjoy life. Ironic, it might seem, but life is all about the interaction of two opposing forces.
Jadi intinya, kembali ke masalah pilihan. Ada situasi dimana ikhlas merupakan pilihan terbaik, dan apa pula yang mengharuskan kita untuk melekat pada sesuatu. Tidak semua hal harus kita ikhlaskan, dan tidak semua hal juga harus kita perjuangkan.
Seperti kata Yoda, intinya adalah membuat pilihan. Pilihan yang tepat tidak berasal dari analisis atau kata hati saja, tapi juga dikombinasikan dengan pengalaman. Ya, pengalaman trial and error- tidak terbatas pada trial and error yang kita lakukan saja tapi juga orang lain- ini yang mengajarkan kita untuk mengambil pilihan yang terbaik. Di sinilah, motivasi dan prinsip yang kita miliki berperan penting dalam mengambil pilihan. Benturkan selalu pilihan yang ada dengan motivasi dan prinsip. Motivasi adalah tujuan yang ingin kita capai, sedangkan prinsip adalah rambu-rambu yang membimbing kita dalam berjalan menuju tujuan kita itu. Jika tidak memungkinkan, cara berjalan masih dapat berubah sesuai dengan perkembangan yang ada, namun jangan kompromi dengan tujuan yang sudah kita tetapkan sebelumnya, karena pilihan akan selalu muncul, jalan lain masih akan terbuka.
Tadi malam, di tengah kegalauan saya untuk memilih meneruskan kemelekatan atau mengikhlaskan, saya sempat menulis ini di twitter untuk teman saya yang sedang menghadapi kegalauan yang sama:
Sometimes, we don't have to be Edison, who had to try for 1000 times. We learn from every mistake we've made. Including our limit.
Saya cukup wow dengan kata-kata yang saya buat sendiri, hehehe.
Jadi, lepas atau terus? Pertanyaan itu selalu terngiang di kepala saya setiap kali trial yang saya lakukan menghasilkan error untuk motivasi yang sama.
Tadi malam, saya mempelajari batas saya.
Dan menurut saya, di sinilah garisnya. Garis untuk menentukan untuk melepaskan kemelekatan atau terus berjuang. Karena sekali lagi, tidak semua harus kita ikhlaskan, dan tidak semua harus kita perjuangkan. Akhir kata, saya ingin mengatakan:
We never can do everything, but we always can do something. Choose wisely. Make sure it's worth the effort.
PS: As Dyske wrote, "Giving up, in this sense, isn’t the same as quitting.", No, I'm not quitting. No one will ever know how to quit on something they used to love. At this moment, I'm just trying to give up. And this, is also just one of my trial and error within my whole journey, we'll see the result from this one :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Postingan Longweekend 1: Yoda
Sudah lama rasanya tidak menulis. Alasan klise, tidak ada waktu. Padahal banyak sekali pikiran-pikiran bermain di kepala saya, beberapa melekat kuat dan menuntut untuk dituliskan segera. Dan malam ini adalah awal dari long weekend dan saya bertekad untuk menulis setiap hari selama libur ini. Target KPI saya, 4 postingan selama 4 hari libur ini. Kita review di akhir libur ya. Oh ya, seperti yang teman saya ini katakan, saya juga ingin belajar menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar. Dan kadang-kadang Bahasa Inggris juga, namanya juga belajar :D
Malam ini saya ingin menulis tentang Star Wars, lebih spesifik lagi tentang tokoh favorit saya- Master Yoda, lebih spesifik lagi tentang kalimat-kalimat bijaknya sepanjang episode I sampai VI. Tidak akan banyak yang akan saya tulis, karena kalimat Yoda sudah sangat menjelaskan maksudnya:
"Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is."
"Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side"
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."
Plak. Rasanya seperti ditampar menggunakan lightsaber oleh Yoda (ya, mati dong hehehe).
"But beware the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice."
Ah, rasanya harus berusaha terus untuk melepaskan rasa takut itu. Tidak berbeda dengan rasa takut terhadap hal-hal mistis, untuk melepaskannya kita hanya butuh ikhlas. Ikhlas jika terjadi hal-hal yang akan terjadi pada kita. Dengan ikhlas, tidak akan ada lagi kemelekatan yang mutlak. Tanpa kemelekatan kita lebih mudah melihat dari berbagai arah, termasuk saat memutuskan apakah emosi ini akan terus dinaikkan atau tidak.
Namun sama seperti semua hal apapun, tidak ada satupun hal dengan dosis berlebihan yang berujung kebaikan, begitu pula dengan kata tersakti abad ini, ikhlas. Kemarin pagi saya membaca artikel mengenai The Art of Giving Up karya Dyske Suetmatsu. Seperti apa maksudnya? Ya, akan saya jelaskan di postingan kedua yang akan saya tulis besok hari. Sebagai penutup postingan ini dan petunjuk penghubung untuk postingan hari kedua, akan saya berikan kalimat bijak Yoda lainnya:
"To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night, Padawan: but choose!"
PS: Yoda, ajarkan saya untuk menjadi seorang Jedi! Oya, saya mau lightsaber yang biru ya!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Selamat Ulang Tahun, Do!
Saya masih ingat pertama kali kami bertemu di pendaftaran mahasiswa baru di Sabuga. Saat dia mengantri di depan saya selama pendaftaran, saat dia menertawakan saya yang harus membeli sepatu baru karena saya datang dengan sendal dan dilarang masuk oleh satpam, dan lalu saya menertawakan dia balik karena panggilan satpam untuk botol minumnya yang tertinggal. Saya masih ingat saat saya sekelompok praktikum dengannya selama semester 3, dan betapa saya sangat kesal dengannya yang sering berbohong, belagu, dan selalu seenaknya dengan tanggungjawabnya.
Saya lupa kapan mulai dekat dengan orang ini. Yang saya ingat, 4 tahun lalu, saya mendapat first cake kehormatan di ulang tahunnya yang ke-20. Saat itu saya belum berani menyebutnya sahabat, saya bahkan belum merasa berada di lingkaran pertemanan yang sama.
Setahun kemudian, tahun 2007, saya sudah berani menyebutnya sahabat. Sudah banyak waktu yang kami habiskan bersama, baik senang maupun susah. Tepat 3 tahun lalu, saya membuat surprise party seperti kebiasaan di angkatan kami. Surprise sederhana, hanya kue ulang tahun setelah acara nonton bersama teman-teman satu angkatan. Saya masih ingat filmnya, Pirate of Caribbean: At World's End.
Setahun kemudian lagi, tahun 2008, sudah lebih banyak hal-hal yang kami bagi bersama. Senang, susah, ujian, sahabat, seteru, tawa, tangis. Kata sahabat sudah sangat layak saya sandang untuknya. Tepat 2 tahun yang lalu, surprise party kembali diadakan, namun saat itu saya hanya sebagai peserta, sahabat kami yang lain yang membuatkan untuknya.
Setahun kemudiannya lagi, tahun 2009, kami masi berada di path yang beriringan. Saya dan dia berhasil masuk ke Perusahaan yang sama, bahkan cubicle nya berada di depan cubicle saya. Tepat setahun lalu, saya kembali membuat surprise party yang sangat gagal karena dia pulang untuk acara bersama keluarganya. Namun akhirnya dia datang di saat kami semua menunggunya di parkiran Mesjid Gelora Senayan.
4 momen ulang tahunnya, 3 first cake untuk saya, ratusan cerita yang dibagi bersama.
Memiliki dia sebagai bagian dari hidup saya adalah salah satu anugerah terindah yang tidak pernah terpikirkan sebelumnya. Untuk saya yang tidak memiliki sosok pria sebagai panutan, dia lah sosok terdekat sebagai seorang kakak laki-laki dalam hidup saya. Banyak pelajaran, ajaran, pengetahuan, teladan, dan hal-hal baik lainnya yang saya peroleh darinya. Hati yang selalu sabar menghadapi saya yang kekanak-kanakan. Kepala yang selalu dingin dalam menghadapi masalah. Tangan yang selalu siap membantu saya. Mulut yang selalu memberi nasehat-nasehat yang selalu keluar di saat saya sangat membutuhkannya. Orang yang selalu menerima dan mengerti saya apa adanya. Orang yang membimbing saya untuk menemukan cita-cita saya, panggilan utama saya, serta membantu saya untuk mengenal diri saya yang sesungguhnya.
Orang-orang selalu berkata, setiap orang singgah dalam hidup kita akan meninggalkan jejak dalam kanvas hidup kita, namun hanya beberapa yang akan meninggalkan jejak yang signifikan. Bagi saya, dia adalah salah satu yang paling signifikan.
Saya sering membaca lagi tulisan yang saya tulis setelah dia menelpon saya untuk memberi tahu apa arti saya untuknya. Saat dia mengatakan pujian terindah yang pernah saya dapatkan dari seorang sahabat:
Saya lupa kapan mulai dekat dengan orang ini. Yang saya ingat, 4 tahun lalu, saya mendapat first cake kehormatan di ulang tahunnya yang ke-20. Saat itu saya belum berani menyebutnya sahabat, saya bahkan belum merasa berada di lingkaran pertemanan yang sama.
Setahun kemudian, tahun 2007, saya sudah berani menyebutnya sahabat. Sudah banyak waktu yang kami habiskan bersama, baik senang maupun susah. Tepat 3 tahun lalu, saya membuat surprise party seperti kebiasaan di angkatan kami. Surprise sederhana, hanya kue ulang tahun setelah acara nonton bersama teman-teman satu angkatan. Saya masih ingat filmnya, Pirate of Caribbean: At World's End.
Setahun kemudian lagi, tahun 2008, sudah lebih banyak hal-hal yang kami bagi bersama. Senang, susah, ujian, sahabat, seteru, tawa, tangis. Kata sahabat sudah sangat layak saya sandang untuknya. Tepat 2 tahun yang lalu, surprise party kembali diadakan, namun saat itu saya hanya sebagai peserta, sahabat kami yang lain yang membuatkan untuknya.
Setahun kemudiannya lagi, tahun 2009, kami masi berada di path yang beriringan. Saya dan dia berhasil masuk ke Perusahaan yang sama, bahkan cubicle nya berada di depan cubicle saya. Tepat setahun lalu, saya kembali membuat surprise party yang sangat gagal karena dia pulang untuk acara bersama keluarganya. Namun akhirnya dia datang di saat kami semua menunggunya di parkiran Mesjid Gelora Senayan.
4 momen ulang tahunnya, 3 first cake untuk saya, ratusan cerita yang dibagi bersama.
Memiliki dia sebagai bagian dari hidup saya adalah salah satu anugerah terindah yang tidak pernah terpikirkan sebelumnya. Untuk saya yang tidak memiliki sosok pria sebagai panutan, dia lah sosok terdekat sebagai seorang kakak laki-laki dalam hidup saya. Banyak pelajaran, ajaran, pengetahuan, teladan, dan hal-hal baik lainnya yang saya peroleh darinya. Hati yang selalu sabar menghadapi saya yang kekanak-kanakan. Kepala yang selalu dingin dalam menghadapi masalah. Tangan yang selalu siap membantu saya. Mulut yang selalu memberi nasehat-nasehat yang selalu keluar di saat saya sangat membutuhkannya. Orang yang selalu menerima dan mengerti saya apa adanya. Orang yang membimbing saya untuk menemukan cita-cita saya, panggilan utama saya, serta membantu saya untuk mengenal diri saya yang sesungguhnya.
Orang-orang selalu berkata, setiap orang singgah dalam hidup kita akan meninggalkan jejak dalam kanvas hidup kita, namun hanya beberapa yang akan meninggalkan jejak yang signifikan. Bagi saya, dia adalah salah satu yang paling signifikan.
Saya sering membaca lagi tulisan yang saya tulis setelah dia menelpon saya untuk memberi tahu apa arti saya untuknya. Saat dia mengatakan pujian terindah yang pernah saya dapatkan dari seorang sahabat:
"Denger ini baik2 ya, Di,
Dian, kamu adalah anugerah terindah yang Tuhan kasih sebagai temen saya. Kamu adalah orang yang baik, baik banget. Org yang selalu berusaha bikin orang lain nyaman. Orang yang selalu mau ngertiin orang lain. Orang yang selalu mau mandang dari banyak sudut walaupun gw tau pandangan lo condong kemana (hahaha, siall). 4 tahun yang kita jalanin bareng gak bisa diungkapin dengan kata-kata. Dan selama 4 tahun ini gw banyak berubah jadi lebih baik, dan itu semua sebagian besar karena lo. Jadi makasi..”
Dian, kamu adalah anugerah terindah yang Tuhan kasih sebagai temen saya. Kamu adalah orang yang baik, baik banget. Org yang selalu berusaha bikin orang lain nyaman. Orang yang selalu mau ngertiin orang lain. Orang yang selalu mau mandang dari banyak sudut walaupun gw tau pandangan lo condong kemana (hahaha, siall). 4 tahun yang kita jalanin bareng gak bisa diungkapin dengan kata-kata. Dan selama 4 tahun ini gw banyak berubah jadi lebih baik, dan itu semua sebagian besar karena lo. Jadi makasi..”
4 momen ulang tahunnya, 3 first cake untuk saya, ratusan cerita yang dibagi bersama, banyak kebiasaan.
Memastikan bahwa masing-masing dari kami selalu ada di saat-saat penting hidup kami. Sidang TA. Panggilan kerja. Masalah-masalah. Dan salah satunya adalah kebiasaan saling menelpon di jam 12 menjelang ulang tahun kami masing-masing.
Tapi tahun ini agak sedikit berbeda. Saya tidak lagi membuat surprise party untuknya karena sulitnya keadaan. Dan saya tidak dapat menelponnya tepat jam 12 malam karena handphone nya tidak dapat dihubungi.
Dan seperti biasanya, saya kecewa terhadap kebiasaan-kebiasaan yang mendadak alfa terjadi. Sampai jam 6 sore tadi, saya belum memberinya ucapan selamat karena merasa telah kehilangan momen yang biasanya saya lakukan, sampai tiba2 hp saya berbunyi dan ada bbm masuk darinya:
"Di,, Semalem nelpon yah.. Makasih banyak loh.. :D Walaupun belum dapet ucapannya,, Hehehe,,"
Hahahahahaha....
Dia selalu mendapatkan cara agar saya kembali tersenyum dan menghilangkan semua kekecewaan yang ada.
Walaupun path yang kami lalui masing-masing sudah terpisah sejak 3 bulan lalu. Ternyata belum ada yang berubah sampai saat ini. Yang mana saya harap tidak akan pernah berubah.
Postingan ini khusus untuknya.
Khusus untuk dia yang sangat berarti untuk saya.
Panutan. Tangan pertama. Sahabat. Kakak.
Selamat Ulang Tahun ke 24, Leonardo Henry Gavaza.
Lo pernah nanya, "Bisa gak sih kita tetep kek gini setelah masing-masing nikah?"
"Bisa, Do. Ini salah satu doa gw setiap salah satu dari kita ulang tahun, selain agar kita selalu jadi makin baik setiap harinya, juga supaya kita bisa selalu saling ada, selamanya".
:)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Perasaan itu Menipu
"Salah di gw berarti ya? Tapi falling in love can not be forced or asked to be happened", She said.
"Sama aja kaya jualan shampoo ke orang botak aja, Di", He answered.
"Apalagi ini maksudnya?", She confused.
"Gw salah satu orang yang percaya kalo perasaan itu bisa dikontrol. Karena perasaan itu super menipu.", He said again.
"Heh?", She started to frustate.
"Sebelum gw masuk ITB, gw pikir kalo gw bisa masuk ITB gw bakal seneng banget, terus bahagia banget, makanya gw mati-matian belajar. Ternyata pas uda masuk, perasaan gw ngga seseneng itu. Dan beberapa temen gw yang mau masuk ITB sama pengennya sama gw, tapi akhirnya ngga dapet ITB, kalo ketemu sekarang biasa-biasa aja. Gw ngga bisa bilang gw sekarang lebih seneng dan bahagia dari dia karena gw masuk ITB dan dia ngga. Itu maksud gw perasaan bisa menipu. Kadang itu cuma sensasi sesaat aja", He continued with a parable as usual.
"Jadi bisa jadi cuma euforia di awal akibat perasaan impulsif kalo lo ngerasa akan bahagia dengan hal itu, yang mana sialnya kita yakinin seterusnya bahwa itu bakal jadi sumber kebahagiaan kita sampe kita dapetin?", She affirmed.
"Gw kurang ngerti maksud lo sih. Cuma mungkin begitu yah :)", He replied.
"Intinya gw ngerti maksud lo sih. I get the message. Jadi, karena itu soal jodoh pun bisa dipilih pake logika? Intinya you can choose who you wanna be with", She continued the affirmation.
"Ngga sepenuhnya logika, kadang hati kita lebih tau.", He answered.
"Tapi lo mengawali dengan logika, terus dicoba pake hati, kalo pas ya diterusin. Gitu bukan? Dan selama ini gw terbalik, pake hati dulu baru logika dipas-pasin. And then lupa kalo I still can't move a mountain.", She said her conclusion, and sadly realized her mistake.
"Yup. Exactly. Hehehe..", He, Her bestest friend, closed the conversation.
And then she knew. She really have to move on. Stop wasting her time with fallin down over and over again in the same hole, trying to move a mountain that she thinks can be conquered by love.
She'll find the right one, someday, somehow, without any mountain to be moved.
Because when it comes to the right man at the right place on the right time.. it's supposed to be easy.. :)
"Sama aja kaya jualan shampoo ke orang botak aja, Di", He answered.
"Apalagi ini maksudnya?", She confused.
"Gw salah satu orang yang percaya kalo perasaan itu bisa dikontrol. Karena perasaan itu super menipu.", He said again.
"Heh?", She started to frustate.
"Sebelum gw masuk ITB, gw pikir kalo gw bisa masuk ITB gw bakal seneng banget, terus bahagia banget, makanya gw mati-matian belajar. Ternyata pas uda masuk, perasaan gw ngga seseneng itu. Dan beberapa temen gw yang mau masuk ITB sama pengennya sama gw, tapi akhirnya ngga dapet ITB, kalo ketemu sekarang biasa-biasa aja. Gw ngga bisa bilang gw sekarang lebih seneng dan bahagia dari dia karena gw masuk ITB dan dia ngga. Itu maksud gw perasaan bisa menipu. Kadang itu cuma sensasi sesaat aja", He continued with a parable as usual.
"Jadi bisa jadi cuma euforia di awal akibat perasaan impulsif kalo lo ngerasa akan bahagia dengan hal itu, yang mana sialnya kita yakinin seterusnya bahwa itu bakal jadi sumber kebahagiaan kita sampe kita dapetin?", She affirmed.
"Gw kurang ngerti maksud lo sih. Cuma mungkin begitu yah :)", He replied.
"Intinya gw ngerti maksud lo sih. I get the message. Jadi, karena itu soal jodoh pun bisa dipilih pake logika? Intinya you can choose who you wanna be with", She continued the affirmation.
"Ngga sepenuhnya logika, kadang hati kita lebih tau.", He answered.
"Tapi lo mengawali dengan logika, terus dicoba pake hati, kalo pas ya diterusin. Gitu bukan? Dan selama ini gw terbalik, pake hati dulu baru logika dipas-pasin. And then lupa kalo I still can't move a mountain.", She said her conclusion, and sadly realized her mistake.
"Yup. Exactly. Hehehe..", He, Her bestest friend, closed the conversation.
And then she knew. She really have to move on. Stop wasting her time with fallin down over and over again in the same hole, trying to move a mountain that she thinks can be conquered by love.
She'll find the right one, someday, somehow, without any mountain to be moved.
Because when it comes to the right man at the right place on the right time.. it's supposed to be easy.. :)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Perfectly Lonely
(even) solitude is fine when someone tell you that solitude is fine..
I forgot where i saw that line, but it kept playing in my head over and over again.
2 days ago, this tears came falling in sudden. What's the trigger? I don't know. I felt weird too cause I didn't do much crying over something. Even a month ago, when a brick's thrown at me, I didn't cry even a little. I feel so damn lonely. Something's wrong here.
I was fine. I smiled and didn't fake that smile. I just tried to put all the problem and the uncomfort away and put the positivity up front. I tried to forget. This defense mechanism was good and on the track enough until i did this thing. I did pretend on something.
Flashback. I was affraid to get attached too much with someone. People say, love like you never hurt. But people, seriously, did you ever been hurt before you said this? Cause I don't get it. Since i've been hurt by love, I learned to take this heart slowly, a little step by step this time, started by a comfort zone called friendship. I've built a wall, but yes, heart always worked naturally on its way.
Still on flashback. I met this guy. At first, i never expected this guy for being something serious. Came by a comfortness of a friendship, he became the #1 person who gives me a much fun in my routine-boring life. Not to mention my great friends around me, but he really was becoming my #1 funmaker. But unfortunately, this guy have a thing that always make me to keep holding back. He was doing nice things to every girl who falls for him, a bit too much nice as on my vocabulary. So, I rather not take the risk of being just another girl he likes to play around, and just do anything to hold back yet still keeping the fun. I didn't know where this thing may lead either. So, why didn't I still have this fun underground without think about it too much. In fact I didn't hurt anybody by doing this. What's the harm anyway?
Chat after chat, a bit flirtious, the jokes, the curhats, the more moments to be spent together, the more comfortness i've gained. Eventhough I was doing it underground for keep it unreal, but thing has been escalated unconciously. From my side of course, I didn't know what's from his side though we were doing this together.
And it comes to his fallin-in-love-to-another-girl story. The story that's done rough enough to me. Then the smart move is just let go and move on. Simple. And easy for I look like not so much put interest on him. This is what is wrong. I succeeded to pretend that I can easily move on, that I'm ready to be just friend, which is I'm not. So this is the exactly what I'm feeling, my friend put a nice writing to describe it:
This is the main reason why i couldn't be friend with him, she thought. A good friend will be able to answer such question without having terrible pain in the stomach. But then, she mind the pain and said what seemed right, "Do what you want to do."
And yes, I'm having that terrible pain in the stomach everytime I remember or hear about his story. What kind of friend am I?
So, before I really move on, I think I should stop to pretend that I'm fine whatever it'll consume my pride. Isn't it right? Cause pretend and faking is just bring more loneliness that will eat me away.
Adding that I've separated by a distance with my bestest friend whom I used to be together for like this past 4 years, and kinda have been a stranger in my own family, this is the time when I feel.. perfectly lonely.
Well, and a big BUT here, the conclusion of this whole comtemplating thing is that I think this perfectly lonely isn't about that I have no one in my life, in fact i have a lot. But it's about focusing my energy to cling on something that I might have lost or might have been changed instead of letting it go sincerely. And I know now, that pretending makes the loneliness felt worse.
He, until now, is still irreplaceable for being my #1 funmaker in my daily-routine-boring life. My bestest friend, until now, is still irreplaceable for being the one who cares me much. And my family, no matter what's going through, they will always be my family that love me in their own way. No need to force all those facts to be changed.
Let it go sincerely
Let all be the way they are.
Let I be the way I am.
So, people who cares about me can see the hole inside of me, and help me to mend it.
Another my friend, wrote this and this is really calm the weather:
"Realizing that you should stop clinging on something that isn't meant for you means that you are way closer to the end of the story. Everything will be just fine indeed, way faster than you think it would."
I'm closer to the end of story. Closer to the end of this solitude. I do hope so.
Yang jagoan itu bukan yang menang. Yang kuat itu bukan yang gak nangis. Yang hebat itu bukan yang bisa apa-apa sendirian.
Yang jagoan, yang kuat, dan yang hebat itu adalah yang bisa ikhlas.
*PS: somewhat dedicated to the funmaker #1 who help me realize all this thing with our mumbling chat. of course I'm the one who do the mumbling part.
I forgot where i saw that line, but it kept playing in my head over and over again.
2 days ago, this tears came falling in sudden. What's the trigger? I don't know. I felt weird too cause I didn't do much crying over something. Even a month ago, when a brick's thrown at me, I didn't cry even a little. I feel so damn lonely. Something's wrong here.
I was fine. I smiled and didn't fake that smile. I just tried to put all the problem and the uncomfort away and put the positivity up front. I tried to forget. This defense mechanism was good and on the track enough until i did this thing. I did pretend on something.
Flashback. I was affraid to get attached too much with someone. People say, love like you never hurt. But people, seriously, did you ever been hurt before you said this? Cause I don't get it. Since i've been hurt by love, I learned to take this heart slowly, a little step by step this time, started by a comfort zone called friendship. I've built a wall, but yes, heart always worked naturally on its way.
Still on flashback. I met this guy. At first, i never expected this guy for being something serious. Came by a comfortness of a friendship, he became the #1 person who gives me a much fun in my routine-boring life. Not to mention my great friends around me, but he really was becoming my #1 funmaker. But unfortunately, this guy have a thing that always make me to keep holding back. He was doing nice things to every girl who falls for him, a bit too much nice as on my vocabulary. So, I rather not take the risk of being just another girl he likes to play around, and just do anything to hold back yet still keeping the fun. I didn't know where this thing may lead either. So, why didn't I still have this fun underground without think about it too much. In fact I didn't hurt anybody by doing this. What's the harm anyway?
Chat after chat, a bit flirtious, the jokes, the curhats, the more moments to be spent together, the more comfortness i've gained. Eventhough I was doing it underground for keep it unreal, but thing has been escalated unconciously. From my side of course, I didn't know what's from his side though we were doing this together.
And it comes to his fallin-in-love-to-another-girl story. The story that's done rough enough to me. Then the smart move is just let go and move on. Simple. And easy for I look like not so much put interest on him. This is what is wrong. I succeeded to pretend that I can easily move on, that I'm ready to be just friend, which is I'm not. So this is the exactly what I'm feeling, my friend put a nice writing to describe it:
This is the main reason why i couldn't be friend with him, she thought. A good friend will be able to answer such question without having terrible pain in the stomach. But then, she mind the pain and said what seemed right, "Do what you want to do."
And yes, I'm having that terrible pain in the stomach everytime I remember or hear about his story. What kind of friend am I?
So, before I really move on, I think I should stop to pretend that I'm fine whatever it'll consume my pride. Isn't it right? Cause pretend and faking is just bring more loneliness that will eat me away.
Adding that I've separated by a distance with my bestest friend whom I used to be together for like this past 4 years, and kinda have been a stranger in my own family, this is the time when I feel.. perfectly lonely.
Well, and a big BUT here, the conclusion of this whole comtemplating thing is that I think this perfectly lonely isn't about that I have no one in my life, in fact i have a lot. But it's about focusing my energy to cling on something that I might have lost or might have been changed instead of letting it go sincerely. And I know now, that pretending makes the loneliness felt worse.
He, until now, is still irreplaceable for being my #1 funmaker in my daily-routine-boring life. My bestest friend, until now, is still irreplaceable for being the one who cares me much. And my family, no matter what's going through, they will always be my family that love me in their own way. No need to force all those facts to be changed.
Let it go sincerely
Let all be the way they are.
Let I be the way I am.
So, people who cares about me can see the hole inside of me, and help me to mend it.
Another my friend, wrote this and this is really calm the weather:
"Realizing that you should stop clinging on something that isn't meant for you means that you are way closer to the end of the story. Everything will be just fine indeed, way faster than you think it would."
I'm closer to the end of story. Closer to the end of this solitude. I do hope so.
Yang jagoan itu bukan yang menang. Yang kuat itu bukan yang gak nangis. Yang hebat itu bukan yang bisa apa-apa sendirian.
Yang jagoan, yang kuat, dan yang hebat itu adalah yang bisa ikhlas.
*PS: somewhat dedicated to the funmaker #1 who help me realize all this thing with our mumbling chat. of course I'm the one who do the mumbling part.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Art of Gamble
This writing is started by a single line I've made on twitter:
"When you don't know what to do because you've already known how much the damage you'll have if you make a wrong step. Back off or die trying?"
Okay, I'm sure this is a point that happens severally in everyone's life. Got a mixed feeling and thought that I have to handle well in order to make a right step. Don't know what to do, but I know, I have to make a move, right or wrong. Gotta called it a stake which is better than keep on the chaos of going nowhere.
So what I'm gonna do? Call a friend? Toss a coin? No, this is my life, everything that is in my hand, is the thing that I have to decide by myself. Because I'm the one who will be responsible of all the risks yet gain the results as the aftermath.
Some people will say, the brave one is the one who die trying. But I say, that there's a slightly difference between brave and stupid. If it's a war, I must have a strategy. Even Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War. So I think it will be smarter if I have a reason to fight and also have calculated the risk. The big point is not whether my step is right or wrong, but that I have no regret about the step that I've made.
So this is what I'm gonna do, start with make a list about the get-some-lose-some's list, or maybe a SWOT matrix (yeah, please). But the point is to make sure the thing that I have to fight is worthed to be died fighting.
The question is: how can I make it sure? Well, I don't know this part actually, hehe. Because everything has its own way to be sured of. I don't know, I don't know, all I know is just be honest with myself. Starting with try to live my life without that thing, might be tried. Because usually you could know what the value of something when it's gone.
So, the conclusion is choose whatever I think I can't live without this thing more than the other thing.
Go die trying if you think the reason is worthed. And don't forget, back off means you have something more valuable to keep than the object of your pursuit. It might be people you loved, your self esteem, your own shine, your happiness on your own, your next opened door. And most of all, your time to spend on the more important things in your life.
In the end, be brave to make a move, either it's a back off or a die trying. And before that, make sure that you have already calculated the aftermath and ready to take all the results. Even the results might be miscalculated, take that as a life's surprise. Bad or good, life's happens. That's the Art of Gamble.
The rest is don't be affraid. As Harper Lee said in To Kill A Mockingbird: real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin but you BEGIN ANYWAY and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes YOU DO.
Have a little FAITH. Have a STRONG heart.
Do what the best for you, and SURELY without harming anyone.
Ciao.
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
Friday, March 26, 2010
A healer called time
I found out this note in my documents folder and I like to write on this blog, so here it is.
December 30th 2008
Teruntuk mereka yang baru mengalami perubahan,
Entah itu perpisahan dengan teman-teman terkasih,
Entah itu putusnya sebuah hubungan ketergantungan,
Entah itu akhir dari kebiasaan-kebiasaan yang menyenangkan,
Atau apapun itu yang beresensikan sebuah kehilangan.
Let me say this to you,
Time will heal EVERYTHING.
But only for them, who have FAITH in themselves, who believe that they will be fine as time goes by. Cause time does heal every hurt, erase every pain, deal with every uncomfort, with thing you may called as GETTING USED TO. And all you have to do is just trust yourself that you CAN through it all, even if your heart betrays you with saying I DON'T WANT TO.
Cause CAN and WANT are two words with completely different meanings though they have the same objective. So if they can't go along together, make your point, beat one by the other one. It's simply just so you can move onto the next step.
And you have to remember that sometimes, you have to forget what you WANT and remember what you DESERVE.
People always say,
Don't stay too much long in front of one door that already closed, so you can see that the other door has opened for you.
March 25th 2010
I have moved on far far away from that place. Time does heal, it really does. All that circumtances had changed, and so did myself.
Looking backward, I understand life. And I learn from it.
Years ago I felt it was a tragedy, but now I think it was a comedy. And I laugh on it.
All the sweet and bitter stories have united into one good memories. And I smile on it.
I never never ever regret to have it all.
Tonight's conversion with one-big-losing:
Him: Lagi baca ulang surat lo sampe tamat.
Me: Heh? Yg mana?
Him: Yg tutup buku
Me: Ahahha. Harusnya gw punya kopiannya jg. Pasti lucu bgt skrg.
(Dilanjutkan dgn pembicaraan nostalgia)
Me: Tidur sono! Td katanya mau tidur.
Him: Iya..
Him: Goodnight.. Goodnight..
Him: Remember it..
Me: Always :D
Tonight, I feel warm..
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tes mobile blogging
Didasari oleh iri hati melihat Sdri. Annisa Tahir bisa mobile blogging pake nya karena wordpress menyediakan aplikasinya khusus, akhirnya saya berjuang menemukan cara untuk bisa mobile blogging di blogspot ini.
Ternyata jauhhh lebih mudah daripada pake aplikasi karena bisa dilakukan lewat email aja.
Smoga bisa produktif menulis lagi. Yay!
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
Ternyata jauhhh lebih mudah daripada pake aplikasi karena bisa dilakukan lewat email aja.
Smoga bisa produktif menulis lagi. Yay!
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
Sunday, March 21, 2010
a brick, once again!
Her name is Ella. My fav character on Melrose Place new edition.
Ella is usually described by a single word: BITCH. Her friend called her as “an one night stand”, and the guy she loves says that he always gravity to a girl who has a good moral compass, and he doesn’t know if Ella even has the needle. Well, actually I like her because she’s simply remind me of myself.
I realized I’m not the one that everybody will impress as a good-girl. I’m not the religious one, I barely go to church, in fact i might have my own religion. I’m a selfish-stonehead who’s likes bitching around, making a rude jokes, mocking on people, wear a quite-openly dress, laughing out loud, cursing with zoo-words, having some drinks, tempting with some golden-top-mushroom, yet sometimes becoming irritating to get what I want (called it ngambeks). I’m not trying to please everyone or wanna be everybody’s sweetheart, I might not obey all society’s rule, even the famous Mario Teguh says that this is the kind of woman that a man shouldn’t married to. Ouch!
But like Ella, I do have my own value, the basic one. Do not harm anyone.
Do the good things to everyone you’ve met is an advance value. And you won’t be in advance if you’re not passed the basic. So, for people who trying to please everybody but harming even just one man, you might be cheating to do the advance, you might be insincere.
I believe in karma. I believe what goes around will comes around. I believe that everything started with bad thing will end badly, and vice versa. So, I won’t do the bad for the start if I don’t wanna have a bad end, as simple as it. And I think no one wants a bad end, right?
I always noted this for myself to keep me reminded:
People hurt you and it’s sucks. But it will be suckier if you are the one who hurt others.
I started to comtemplate this when I’ve got this brick. I’ve got backstabbed by my so-called-bestfriend. She’s hurting me bad, and I struggling so hard to survive it. Not just survive from the pain, but mostly to survive myself from doing something bad as a return. I’m not a built-in good person, I know that. That’s why I started to collect all the values that might help me to survive it greatly. And thanks to God, one good thing really leads to another. I do some introspection, realize some of my mistakes, and try to fix it. Reconscilliate with some great friends I’ve left behind. Learn some new perspective including Care-Levelling Theory from a friend. And most of it, this is what I thought as the advantage from being the one who gets hurt, I learn how it feels so I won’t do that to others. Who wants to be a suckier than sucks anyway?
So thanks God for the brick once again, it may hit me hard but it’s always worth the aftermath.
So this is for sure:
You might get hurt when you’ve got a brick thrown at you, but you always use that brick as your stepping stone to be a better you. That’s actually what bricks are for :)
Ella is usually described by a single word: BITCH. Her friend called her as “an one night stand”, and the guy she loves says that he always gravity to a girl who has a good moral compass, and he doesn’t know if Ella even has the needle. Well, actually I like her because she’s simply remind me of myself.
I realized I’m not the one that everybody will impress as a good-girl. I’m not the religious one, I barely go to church, in fact i might have my own religion. I’m a selfish-stonehead who’s likes bitching around, making a rude jokes, mocking on people, wear a quite-openly dress, laughing out loud, cursing with zoo-words, having some drinks, tempting with some golden-top-mushroom, yet sometimes becoming irritating to get what I want (called it ngambeks). I’m not trying to please everyone or wanna be everybody’s sweetheart, I might not obey all society’s rule, even the famous Mario Teguh says that this is the kind of woman that a man shouldn’t married to. Ouch!
But like Ella, I do have my own value, the basic one. Do not harm anyone.
Do the good things to everyone you’ve met is an advance value. And you won’t be in advance if you’re not passed the basic. So, for people who trying to please everybody but harming even just one man, you might be cheating to do the advance, you might be insincere.
I believe in karma. I believe what goes around will comes around. I believe that everything started with bad thing will end badly, and vice versa. So, I won’t do the bad for the start if I don’t wanna have a bad end, as simple as it. And I think no one wants a bad end, right?
I always noted this for myself to keep me reminded:
People hurt you and it’s sucks. But it will be suckier if you are the one who hurt others.
I started to comtemplate this when I’ve got this brick. I’ve got backstabbed by my so-called-bestfriend. She’s hurting me bad, and I struggling so hard to survive it. Not just survive from the pain, but mostly to survive myself from doing something bad as a return. I’m not a built-in good person, I know that. That’s why I started to collect all the values that might help me to survive it greatly. And thanks to God, one good thing really leads to another. I do some introspection, realize some of my mistakes, and try to fix it. Reconscilliate with some great friends I’ve left behind. Learn some new perspective including Care-Levelling Theory from a friend. And most of it, this is what I thought as the advantage from being the one who gets hurt, I learn how it feels so I won’t do that to others. Who wants to be a suckier than sucks anyway?
So thanks God for the brick once again, it may hit me hard but it’s always worth the aftermath.
So this is for sure:
You might get hurt when you’ve got a brick thrown at you, but you always use that brick as your stepping stone to be a better you. That’s actually what bricks are for :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
