Perfectly Lonely

(even) solitude is fine when someone tell you that solitude is fine..

I forgot where i saw that line, but it kept playing in my head over and over again.

2 days ago, this tears came falling in sudden. What's the trigger? I don't know. I felt weird too cause I didn't do much crying over something. Even a month ago, when a brick's thrown at me, I didn't cry even a little. I feel so damn lonely. Something's wrong here.

I was fine. I smiled and didn't fake that smile. I just tried to put all the problem and the uncomfort away and put the positivity up front. I tried to forget. This defense mechanism was good and on the track enough until i did this thing. I did pretend on something.

Flashback. I was affraid to get attached too much with someone. People say, love like you never hurt. But people, seriously, did you ever been hurt before you said this? Cause I don't get it. Since i've been hurt by love, I learned to take this heart slowly, a little step by step this time, started by a comfort zone called friendship. I've built a wall, but yes, heart always worked naturally on its way.

Still on flashback. I met this guy. At first, i never expected this guy for being something serious. Came by a comfortness of a friendship, he became the #1 person who gives me a much fun in my routine-boring life. Not to mention my great friends around me, but he really was becoming my #1 funmaker. But unfortunately, this guy have a thing that always make me to keep holding back. He was doing nice things to every girl who falls for him, a bit too much nice as on my vocabulary. So, I rather not take the risk of being just another girl he likes to play around, and just do anything to hold back yet still keeping the fun. I didn't know where this thing may lead either. So, why didn't I still have this fun underground without think about it too much. In fact I didn't hurt anybody by doing this. What's the harm anyway?

Chat after chat, a bit flirtious, the jokes, the curhats, the more moments to be spent together, the more comfortness i've gained. Eventhough I was doing it underground for keep it unreal, but thing has been escalated unconciously. From my side of course, I didn't know what's from his side though we were doing this together.

And it comes to his fallin-in-love-to-another-girl story. The story that's done rough enough to me. Then the smart move is just let go and move on. Simple. And easy for I look like not so much put interest on him. This is what is wrong. I succeeded to pretend that I can easily move on, that I'm ready to be just friend, which is I'm not. So this is the exactly what I'm feeling, my friend put a nice writing to describe it:

This is the main reason why i couldn't be friend with him, she thought. A good friend will be able to answer such question without having terrible pain in the stomach. But then, she mind the pain and said what seemed right, "Do what you want to do."

And yes, I'm having that terrible pain in the stomach everytime I remember or hear about his story. What kind of friend am I?

So, before I really move on, I think I should stop to pretend that I'm fine whatever it'll consume my pride. Isn't it right? Cause pretend and faking is just bring more loneliness that will eat me away.

Adding that I've separated by a distance with my bestest friend whom I used to be together for like this past 4 years, and kinda have been a stranger in my own family, this is the time when I feel.. perfectly lonely.

Well, and a big BUT here, the conclusion of this whole comtemplating thing is that I think this perfectly lonely isn't about that I have no one in my life, in fact i have a lot. But it's about focusing my energy to cling on something that I might have lost or might have been changed instead of letting it go sincerely. And I know now, that pretending makes the loneliness felt worse.

He, until now, is still irreplaceable for being my #1 funmaker in my daily-routine-boring life. My bestest friend, until now, is still irreplaceable for being the one who cares me much. And my family, no matter what's going through, they will always be my family that love me in their own way. No need to force all those facts to be changed.

Let it go sincerely
Let all be the way they are.
Let I be the way I am.
So, people who cares about me can see the hole inside of me, and help me to mend it.

Another my friend, wrote this and this is really calm the weather:
"Realizing that you should stop clinging on something that isn't meant for you means that you are way closer to the end of the story. Everything will be just fine indeed, way faster than you think it would."

I'm closer to the end of story. Closer to the end of this solitude. I do hope so.


Yang jagoan itu bukan yang menang. Yang kuat itu bukan yang gak nangis. Yang hebat itu bukan yang bisa apa-apa sendirian.
Yang jagoan, yang kuat, dan yang hebat itu adalah yang bisa ikhlas.



*PS: somewhat dedicated to the funmaker #1 who help me realize all this thing with our mumbling chat. of course I'm the one who do the mumbling part.